Akatsuki Crack
by Secret Sheik
Summary: Total crack fic. Akatsuki members talk to random Naruto characters.
1. Chapter 1

Yay for Akatsuki Crack! Time to explain what the crap this is. This is a collection of conversations that whatever Akatsuki character mentioned would have with any other character. So, Itachi and Temari might have a conversation, even though normally they would never meet. The conversations will be as if they weren't trying to kill each other, except in jest. So don't go saying "OMG y is teh akatsuki tlking 2 enemies??" It's a joke people. I'm sure you can manage. Key word: FAN FICTION.

* * *

Akatsuki Crack!

* * *

Hidan: You know... your hair looks like mine, except fucking longer...

Kimimaro: You really like that word, don't you?

Hidan: What fucking word?

Kimimaro: You say fuck all the time...

Hidan: I WAS TRYING TO TALK ABOUT HAIR DAMMIT!

Kimimaro: ...

Hidan: So what's up with that, anyway? Do you fucking worship Jashin too?

Kimimaro: You... are a strange, pitiful man. I exist only for Orochimaru-sama.

Hidan: O.o Oro...?

Kimimaro: I would have been his body, if only...

Hidan: Let me guess, you got too fucking old!

Kimimaro: ...

* * *

Sakura: So you like flowers?

Konan: Yes, I make paper ones all the time.

Sakura: What about real flowers?

Konan: Those are so brief and fleeting... I don't like those as much. Paper ones last longer.

Sakura: You kinda sound like Sasori.

Konan: ...

Sakura: Oh... sorry.

* * *

Zetsu: -munch munch-

Kakashi: Yo, Zetsu, what are you eating?

Zetsu: YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. It was just lying around.

Kakashi: It kinda looks like a ninja...

Zetsu: ... WHAT ARE YOU READING, THEN? That's a good question.

Kakashi: -puts away Icha Icha Paradise- You don't want to know.

* * *

Ino: Sasori, if you're a puppet, how do you... uh... how do you... "do it"?

Sasori: Do what?

Ino: Uh... you know...

Sasori: No, I don't know.

Ino: I'm talking about sex you idiot!

Sasori: ...sex?

Ino: Don't you even know what that is?

Sasori: Sorry... it was just... such an embarrassing question...

Ino: Yeah but how does it work?

Sasori: I never thought about that when I built this puppet body...

Ino: ...

* * *

A/N: Hopefully I can think of at least 4 per chapter. This should be awesome!


	2. Chapter 2

Akatsuki Crack Chapter 2

* * *

Gai: BEHOLD! The power of youth explodes!

Kisame: You really know how to rub people the wrong way...

Gai: And you... you... you know how to... who are you?

Kisame: Oh come on, we've met three times now. Surely you remember this. -brandishes Samehada-

Gai: That sword...!

Kisame: Remember now?

Gai: That sword is... yours. -holds out a kunai- And this is mine!

Kisame: ...

Gai: Who are you again?

Kisame: -summons a huge amount of water- Remember now?

Gai: You use water jutsu, you must be...

Kisame: Go on...

Gai: Must be... someone...

Kisame: Come on, you can remember.

Gai: -points dramatically- You must be a ninja!!

Kisame: -falls to the floor-

* * *

Kakuzu: What the heck are you, kid?

Shino: You are... a strange person.

Kakuzu: Why do you hide behind your coat?

Shino: Why do you hide behind your mask?

Kakuzu: My face looks weird.

Shino: Mine does too.

Kakashi: Nice mask.

Kakuzu: Yours too.

Shino: You're ignoring me...

Kakuzu: Where did you get your mask?

Kakashi: The same place I got this book. -flicks out a certain orange book-

Kakuzu: Oh! Is that the latest volume of Icha Icha?

Shino: ...you're still ignoring me.

Kakashi: It was released today, actually.

Kakuzu: I'll be sure to get a copy... how much are they?

Kakazhi: The prices went up a hundred yen, but the plot is so much better in this volume.

Kakuzu: A hundred yen increase! Hn... For that, I suppose... I can splurge a little...

Shino: ... -leaves-

* * *

Hidan: Yo, Sasori.

Gaara: I'm not Sasori. I'm Gaara...

Hidan: HOLY SHIT! Seriously? You look just like him!

Gaara: He's the one that helped lead to my demise... and hurt my brother.

Hidan: Yeah, but you look like twins, seriously. Where did you get that red hair from?

Gaara: ...

Hidan: Uh... yeah, so you have a brother... does he have red hair too?

Gaara: No, his hair is brown. And my sister has blonde hair.

Hidan: Three different colors? That's fucking weird. One of you HAS to be an illegitimate child! Maybe your mom is also Sasori's mom!

Gaara: -twitch-

Hidan: Oh no wait Sasori is much older than you... he's thirty-something and you are... maybe sixteen? Fuck... So maybe your mom had an older sister, and she had Sasori...

Gaara: I'm NOT related to Sasori!

Hidan: Oh right, and Ino isn't related to Deidara!

Deidara: -from the next room- I heard that, you idiot, un! We're NOT RELATED! And Leader-sama is NOT related to Naruto! Stop with your stupid theories, un!

Hidan: Tsch... the Naruto universe has a very limited gene pool, seriously.

* * *

A/N: All for now!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I actually forgot about this fic for a while... sorry!

* * *

Pein: Who the heck are you?

Raiga: Who are YOU?

Pein: ...Answer me before I kill you.

Raiga: Kill me? Ooh.. then I would get... a funeral!

Kisame: -peeks around the corner- Oh crap! -hides-

Pein: -glare- Kisame... you know this... person?

Raiga: Kisame? You bastard! What the crap are you doing here?

Pein: He lives here. Explain yourself. Now.

Raiga: Or what, you orange haired weirdo?

Kisame: Oh man Raiga is so dead! -snicker-

Pein: I'm warning you, don't try my patience.

Kisame: Yo, Leader-sama, make it rain on his pansy ass!

Pein: He's not worth the effort. -walks away-

* * *

Deidara: -poke poke- Sasori-Danna?

Gaara: For crying out loud, I'm NOT Sasori!

Deidara: -scope makes whirring noises- What the... Who the crap are you?

Gaara: -glare- The guy you killed, remember?

Sasori: Wow, Hidan was right, I DO look an awful lot like you.

Deidara: -poke poke- Sasori-Danna?

Sasori: Deidara... touch me again and you die.

Deidara: Phew...

Gaara: -glare- I suppose... we do look similar.

Deidara: -looks from one to the other- I have two Dannas?

Sasori: Sorry, he's... not very bright.

Gaara: Yes...

* * *

Konan: Ew... What's with all the green?

Lee: It's the COLOR OF YOUTH!

Gai: RIGHT ON!

Konan: -twitch-

Lee: Thank you Gai-sensei!

Gai: Go forth with the power of youth my young student!

Lee: YES GAI-SENSEI! -dramatic tears-

Konan: -twitch twitch- I suddenly hate the color green...

Kisame: What the heck is going on in here?

Konan: -glomps- Kisame... SAVE ME!

Gai: Wait! You... you are...

Lee: Remember, Gai-sensei? We fought him before.

Gai: Uh...

Kisame: Konan, let's hurry! He won't remember us.

Konan: JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!

* * *

Zetsu: ...

Shino: ...

Zetsu: ...

Shino: ...

Zetsu: ...nice bugs.

Shino: ...nice plant... thing.

Zetsu: ...nice shades.

Shino: ...nice face paint.

Zetsu: It's not paint, actually.

Shino: Oh...

Zetsu: So the holes in your face are real?

Shino: Yeah.

Tobi: Hello, Zetsu-san! -stares at Shino- Bugs? Ewwww an Aburame!

Zetsu: Be a good boy and be nice to our guest, Tobi.

Tobi: Bugs are gross!

Shino: ...they are not gross.

Tobi: Eww. Tobi doesn't like Aburames! -runs away-

Shino: I wonder how he knew about me...

* * *

A/N: Hehe... well, this will have to do for now, I'm sleepy.


End file.
